DivineWellness

I remember when I first signed up for Yoga teacher training I was so excited. I thought I would go to class a few hours a week and the teacher would throw us into these crazy poses, teach us how to meditate for hours on end. In my head we would all dive into a forward fold and then dip into a plank and into chaturanga seamlessly without any pain, adjustments, or second thoughts.  I imagined myself sitting in pure bliss for hours on end and all negative emotions would cease to exist. That it would be this beautiful time of meditation and reflection on how beautiful our lives were. Pure bliss. Boy, was I wrong….

Before yoga, I had gotten really good at staying positive. There was always a silver lining or an affirmation for everything. At this point, I had gone through multiple psychology classes, and I had studied myself enough to know that I had a poor sense of self-worth, that I struggled with anxiety and depression, and that my heart was closed off from connecting to other people. These were all things that, up to this point, I chose to ignore and 

When I walked into my first night of Yoga Teacher Training I never had a consistent yoga practice, and probably hadn’t done a single downward dog in 3 years. I had never thought of myself as a yogi, or even as a yoga instructor and quite honestly, had no idea why I signed up.

Ever had the feeling of wanting to crawl out of your skin, run away, and hide while eating a bucket of ice cream? That was me. I secretly hated downward dog. I felt weak, out of shape, and totally out of place. And, although I was anxious, and all of these thoughts were running through my head, I knew I was exactly where I was meant to be. 

There were easily 40 other people there that night. Men and women of all different ages and  walks of life. As we sat on our yoga mats, the teachers asked us to go around the room one-by-one and state why we were there and what the intention for our training was. Most of the responses ranged from “getting to know myself better” to “i’ve been doing yoga for a long time and I want to be able to teach it”. 

I remember waiting for my turn and trying to decide what I wanted my intention to be. It took me a while to narrow down what I really wanted. When it was my turn, I set the intention to be grounded in my body, and boy, did that one turn out….

About a month in, our teachers told us: 

“The first 5 weeks of class are going to feel like bliss. Everything will be amazing, then all of a sudden that will change and everything that you have been repressing will start coming up. You might feel angry, or sad, or upset and not know why. This is normal. This is all of that stored energy, all of that hidden gunk and emotions getting ready to leave your system. Remember to breathe and be a witness to your emotions.”

Over the next 8 months my tribe and I would learn poses, sequences, yoga philosophy (which I didn’t even know existed). We would learn how to love ourselves, and each other on a whole new level.

After months of training, I remember having an epiphany that changed how I saw yoga, and my life as a whole.  “I get it! It isn’t all about the postures and the stretching. Yoga is a way of life.” It opened doors in my world that allowed me to learn who I was on a deep intimate level and see how my own mind was playing tricks on me. I was finally learning to really sit with myself and just witness my experience in a totally new way. All of the good, the bad, and messy. 

 I learned many things through the power of my own being. There were times in my training where I was both physically and mentally exhausted, uncomfortable, and everything seemed unbearable. My mind would be telling me that I can’t hold this a second longer, and my body was showing me how much further I could go.

After my 200 hour training, some of the things that will always stick with me:

• Everything around me was just a reflection of what was happening internally within me.

• Everything that I experienced in my life was repeating itself in my thoughts, and as a result it was reflected in my body. How my muscles held themselves, how I stood, what my posture was like, even my breath all reflected stories that I was holding onto. 

•  I am not exactly who I thought I was and that’s okay. 

• I learned that I was very good at thinking my way out of things, and not so good at feeling my way through things. When I learned how to feel my own emotions, I began to understand why I reacted in certain ways. In this way I can train my thoughts to not be quite as invasive, and to breath and respond, rather than just react. As my teacher Kate would say “be the sky and not the cloud” 

• I learned that I had lacked self-discipline my whole life and that having a consistent yoga practice proved itself challenging, and some weeks it still does. However, consistency is key to make lasting changes.

• I learned that by physically feeling the blocks in my body and how I was holding myself, I can adjust to a new way of being. 
• Everything changes day-to-day and moment-to-moment. Just breath. 

I am incredibly grateful for my yoga training and my practice.

If I knew what my training would be like on the day I signed up, I would have ran the other direction. AND, I am so glad that I didn’t bail out. At times It was the most excruciating, uncomfortable experience that I had up to that point. Picking myself apart and really allowing myself to look at the dark parts of who I was. Other times it felt like I was finally returning to myself, and fining the bliss that was always there. 

To those who want to start a yoga practice I will say this: yoga will strengthen your body, you will be more flexible, you will be able to breathe better. Yoga will also strengthen your mind and teach you how to be the best version of you in the moment.

You will finally learn to love yourself in every way and notice how things change day-to-day and moment-to-moment. At times, it might feel like everything you have ever known to be true about yourself is being ripped apart, and  in this place you will realize who you are truly meant to be. 

As you create space in the body, you create space within yourself. This is where you find the path home to you.