DivineWellness

Mike Foster describes boundaries as: “The distance at which I can love you and love me simultaneously”. Think about that for a second. There is a place in any relationship where we can honor both ourselves and another person at the same time simply by knowing what your limit is, and letting it be known.

So what is the deal with boundaries, why are they so important, and why can it be so hard to define our boundaries?

Without boundaries, we might find ourselves running around trying to please everyone and feeling like we leave empty-handed. Or worse, it might leave us feeling walked on or taken advantage of. More times than not when we are not clear with others, and we continue to let people cross our boundaries we end up feeling resentful, guilty, or bitter. 

Not having clear boundaries is almost like opening your front door and expecting the bugs not to fly in. Your boundaries act as the screen that says “you can look into my house, but you cannot enter”. They create a clear line where some activities and behaviors are not acceptable. You would be surprised how many mosquitos you keep out.

Setting a boundary allows you to love yourself in a completely authentic way. When you are honest and true to yourself, you can also be completely genuine with those in your life. 

There comes a point where you no longer accept less than you deserve. You know what is best for you, and you don’t allow anyone to disrespect that. 

When we set boundaries, we are telling others how we feel, we are honoring our personal needs, and we no longer allow others to take advantage of our time, generosity, or anything else that we have to offer. 

Now, that being said, boundaries are NOT a way for you to control others into acting a certain way.   

Sometimes we try to set boundaries like “you cannot smoke a cigarette around me” or “you cannot lie to me” in hopes that it will modify the other person’s behavior. And when they don’t change we often find ourselves back in the cycle of resentment and bitterness towards them. These types of boundaries are unrealistic and act more like manipulation. 

I am not saying that this means that you have to allow someone to lie to you, or blow smoke in your face, however when we set boundaries we voice to others what we will not allow, and then we tell them what actions we will take if they continue to do what they are doing.

For instance, instead of condemning your friend for smoking, an appropriate boundary would be “If you are going to smoke, then I will wait for you to come back inside so that we can continue our time together”

Boundaries and the power of the word NO 

When we lack boundaries there’s a tendency to feel overwhelmed or to feel like we’re overextending ourselves. This often shows up in our lives when we don’t honor how we truly feel, we feel like we have an obligation to someone/something, or we simply just don’t know how to say no.

Having boundaries creates a space where you can be generous, authentic, and kind. It requires a level of honesty with yourself that some of us are just not used to. We have to become clear on who we are and what we believe, without the outside influences. We have to stop trying to please everyone and finally be true to ourselves.

What I’ve learned is when we lack personal barriers for ourselves we DO get overwhelmed, and we DO end up exasperated. It’s almost like we agree to do something we don’t want to do instead of honoring ourselves, and then the next thing you know we are angry towards everything. We start playing the blame game and try to pin our misery on someone else, instead of taking responsibility for our own life.

This is when we learn how to say no. I know there was a point in my life where I didn’t know what the word NO meant, or that it was even okay to tell people no. I used to think that if I said NO to anyone that they would resent me, that they would never talk to me again, or they would even love me differently. As a result, I always took on the world and did everything for everybody. I can’t tell you how many times I doubled booked myself or agreed to things that I didn’t want to do. 

What helped me was knowing that no is a complete sentence. You do not owe anyone an explanation for saying no. You don’t owe anyone an apology. You are allowed to say no at any time, for any reason, as long as you are being true to yourself.

What Types of boundaries are there?

You can have boundaries around EVERYTHING in your life. From relationships to food, even shopping and spending time on your phone. Here is a list of the most common that I have seen:

1. Physical: Most people have physical boundaries. These usually consist of not allowing another person to hit you, not allowing things to be thrown at you, and it can even mean that you don’t allow other people to touch you or your belongings. Although this can pertain to your physical body, this also extends to your home and surroundings as well. 
2. Emotional: Emotional boundaries are especially important when you are dealing with another person, whether it is romantic or not. These boundaries cover what you share with others, choices, behaviors, and what you are willing / not willing to share with others.
3. Professional: Professional boundaries pertain to anything work-related. This can be the type of job you are willing to accept, what kinds of business you subscribe to, and how you interact with others on a professional level.. It is important to remember that this can be at work, in your own business, or even a store that you shop at.

How do we know what our boundaries are? 

The most important thing to remember about boundaries is that it can take time to learn what the perimeters of your life are. You can have boundaries around anything in your life. Setting boundaries is a learning process and I can guarantee that it will be uncomfortable at times. However, it’s important to remember that this is completely normal, especially if you have never set boundaries before.

Below are three easy steps to get clear on what your boundaries are and how to start implementing them in your life. 

Before you begin working through these steps, I invite you to get a piece of paper and a pen, take 3 deep breaths to clear the mind and then journal on what comes up for you.

Step 1: Get Clear

This can be an uncomfortable step, especially if we have listened to other people’s opinions on what life should be our whole lives. In this step, it is important to get clear and honest with yourself on the quality of life you want. This does not include what other people will think of you. The only thing that matters here is what you think of yourself.

 Ask yourself: Who am I? Who do I want to be? What kind of people do I want in my life? What kind of people do I not want in my life? What are the things that I enjoy doing? What are the things I DO NOT enjoy doing? What do I want for myself?

Step 2: Communicate

After we’ve gotten clear with ourselves, it’s time to assess all of the situations in our lives and determine if they are crossing any boundaries. For most of us, this will be the most difficult part (I know it was for me). This step requires you to voice how you feel, and what you are willing to do about it. 

Brooke Castillo gives and excellent layout of this step in her podcasts around Boundaries. She says that when you are setting a boundary you tell the other person what boundary they are crossing, and then you create an action step. Much like I talked about before with your friend who smokes. Instead of saying “You cannot smoke around me” try setting a boundary along the line of “If you smoke around me, I will wait inside so that I don’t have to be around it” or “If you smoke around me I will walk away until you are finished”. When we set boundaries in this way, we are not abandoning the relationships we have built, instead, we are allowing the other person to know where we stand so that the relationship can be stronger.

Step 3: Follow through:

Step three is all about following through and sticking to our perimeters. This means if you tell your friend who smokes that you will walk away when they smoke, you don’t stay there and wait for them to notice that you are uncomfortable. This is the MOST important step because this is where we honor ourselves and what our boundaries are. If you making claims to do something, and you don’t follow through on what you said, you are simply making an idle threat, as Castillo would put it. 

 

 

Setting boundaries in your life can be challenging. It can also be the most magical experience. It’s like a weight is lifted from your shoulders. You are no longer responsible for something that you didn’t want to do, and you stop resenting other people for “making” you do things. You can start saying yes to things you want to do, and you can be clear with the people in your life about who you are and how you feel. 

Just remember, this is a process and it won’t be perfect the first time around. Boundaries are not a hard concrete wall for you to live life in. Although some boundaries will stay the same, most are malleable and changing. You will have new experiences, learn new information and it will change the perimeters that you set in place. This is okay, and to be expected.